Thoughts on Marriage

A few years ago, a young couple came into the church office. The woman gushed over the beautiful sanctuary and how perfect it was going to be for her wedding. The groom-to-be was silent. She was, shall we say, the verbal center of the emerging family. I had never met them until that moment. They were not members of the church I served. In the computer world when all of the information from one computer is transferred all at once to another computer it is called a core dump. I got a core dump of every thought she ever had about her wedding.

When at last she took a breath I said, "Let's back up. Who are you?" After another five minutes of monologue about her family and roots, she returned to the subject of her wedding and why she had chosen our church to have the honor of hosting her wedding.

I had finally had enough. Words came out of me next that surprised me. "I want to tell you something and I want you to hear me clearly. I don't care about your wedding." I delivered the line well and let it hang out in space for a moment. For the first time, the chatty bride-to-be was silent. Stunned was more like it. She had the "You're a pastor and you're not allowed to say that" look on her face. With enough of a pause for effect, I continued, "Your wedding will be beautiful and IF it is here and IF I officiate, it will be Christ-centered. I'm not worried about your wedding. In that sense I don't care about your wedding. I care about your marriage." Compared to living with another person "until death do you part," planning a wedding is easy.

This month, my wife, Cile, and I have been married 25 years. It seems like yesterday we were married. Now, three children, seven pets, one career change, eight moves and three home purchases later, I can say I'm proud of this milestone. Few make it this far. Even fewer make it this far and still like each other. We've done both.

We've been pondering what kept us going these 25 years for several months. Usually with words like, "I don't know why I stuck with you," followed by a groan or a "you know you love me...jerk." Feel the love.

Marriage counselors have written at length about what it takes to have a healthy, long-term marriage. They deal with the patterns and emotional issues in marriage. I particularly like the very secular John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Gottman knows what makes relationships work. I've learned a thing or two in my years as pastor and a husband.

I attribute our success to one thing: we both recognize that above all marriage is a relationship designed to reflect the divine relationship. We didn't understand that right away, but finally, after 25 years, we understand it well.

When Jesus reaffirmed the "one flesh" concept given at the beginning of all things as the priority for marriage, he was saying marriage is about two people living in relationship as God exists in relationship. The two reflect the unity of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Separate and yet one. Mutually affirming, other-focused, indwelling each other's being. Cile and I have failed miserably at this "one flesh" at times, but somehow we always found the strength to come at it again another day. Over time, it has only improved.

Another image of marriage reflecting the divine relationship is that marriage is to reflect the love Christ has for the church. Christ loved the people who make up the sacred assembly called the church that he gave his very life that she might be born and then flourish. Marriage is to reflect that full devotion and sacrificial love for the other that Christ has for the church.

The fact is that a wedding is one day and often one of fantasy play for most couples. Marriage is where real life happens. The marriage is ground zero for what God most wants--two people who love each other with the exceptional selflessness found in the Godhead. Or two people full of devotion and sacrficing love for the other. Marriage is a man and woman in a lifetime relationship that bears a remarkable resemblance to God's own eternal, relational existence.