It Is Not About You

A post about relationships.

Click here for the link referred to in the video.

Being Like Christ in the Home

This hangs in the kitchen of our friends' home. There's good theology and counsel here.

A Father's Expectation for Boys Dating Girls

A few years ago, I sent letters to my daughters' boyfriends. In the letter were three pieces of paper. Two were my attempts to be funny. I had seen an "Application for Dating My Daughter" and "10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter" in email forwards several times and included those in the letter. If you haven't seen them, look them up. Very entertaining, especially if you are a father of daughters who are dating. I sent those two pieces for fun, but the third piece was the one I really cared that the boys read and internalized. It was called, "Expectations."

This "Expectations" piece originated as I thought about how over the years I have said things to our girls about my expectations for boys who are interested in them. I have talked about the attitudes and actions of their significant other that matters most. One night I couldn't sleep, got up, and put my thoughts on paper. For what it is worth, I now share them with you. This is what I expect of boys who are interested in my daughters.

We have tried to raise our daughter in a virtuous home. While we have failed at this at times, only by God’s grace can we say that we have succeeded more often than not. My expectations of a boy my daughter dates and ultimately, should the relationship progress, marry, are that he continue what we have begun. In addition to helping my daughter experience fun, crazy, abundant, and goofy happiness in life, I expect them to be models of the pursuit of holiness.

Specifically, I expect:

• He has an active faith in God through Jesus Christ. I want my daughter to be in a relationship with someone she will also spend eternity with as a fellow believer. Is this your faith commitment?

• He will lead her towards an ever-deepening relationship with Jesus Christ. Nothing matters more than that. If he is not committed to that, I am automatically at odds with him. Are you committed to this?

• My daughter will not need to bring her boyfriend up to biblical standards of living… the boyfriend will already be there and leading the way. This means a personal commitment to worship God with others in a church, Bible study individually and with groups, a life of prayer, serving and helping others, and a person who gives away his time, money and faith to build God’s Kingdom on earth. Are these your practices?

I want to see a visible commitment to the ethical life of a Christ-follower. Whatever else this may mean, it at least means

• A passion for purity of thought, words, and actions. It is not that sexual immorality, drunkenness, lying, gluttony, profanity or other items are simply things to be avoided; they are actually offensive to a man because they are offensive to God. To be blunt here, the boy will not seek to have sex before marriage, get drunk, or use profanity NOT because someone else says not to, but because the Holy Spirit has already convinced him it is not right.

• A burden for the people on the “outs” of society like the homeless and poor. Jesus clearly favored this group with his compassion.

• A sense that the earth is to be cared for by humans. Green is good.

• A commitment to non-violence and non-aggression as a basic disposition. I am not a pacifist and understand that bullies often need to be forced to stop bullying, whether on the playground or as the leader of a rogue country. I expect physical strength in protecting my daughter when needed. But in relationships, generosity and kindness of spirit are the standard, not aggression.

Are you committed to this standard of living?

This is a tall list. To be sure, grace abounds and I am not interested in legalistic following of “the rules” for the rules’ sake. This is about holiness. I expect the boyfriend to already be “sold out” to Christ—to His causes, His way of living, His priorities, His holiness. A boyfriend who makes that commitment is a man after God’s own heart. And a man after God’s heart is a one who will have mine.

10 Commandments of Marital Love

I just listened to music from the wedding ceremony of my daughter, Lauren, and her new husband, Alex. It always brings me to tears. I walked Lauren down the aisle and my friend Norm Hatter began the service. At one point, I got up to speak to Lauren and Alex and lead them through their vows. Lauren also requested that I share my "10 Commandments of Marital Love" during the ceremony.

These are words of wisdom that were originally inspired by something Dear Abbey posted, but after nearly 14 years of ministry, almost 28 years of marriage, and countless counseling sessions with couples, I created my own version of it. I come back to it from time to time to see if God has given me any new wisdom or insights. What follows is the current version and the one shared at Lauren and Alex's wedding.

Take note, couples. It doesn't matter if you are about to get married or have been married for 60 years or more, the strongest couples I know have somehow internalized these commandments.

10 COMMANDMENTS OF MARITAL LOVE

1. Remember That Next to God, No One Matters More Than Your Spouse. Act like that’s true. Put your spouse above your hobbies, work, circle of friends, and family.
2. Get A Life. Have interests of your own. Nothing is more smothering than one or both partners who have nothing but the other person.
3. Work on Your Marriage. Like a garden, if left unattended, weeds will eventually choke out the life. Attended to, however, it will bear delicious fruit such as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness.
4. Get Help When You Have A Problem. If you can’t solve a problem on your own, find someone to help you. Too many do nothing and the results are tragic. Call me if you get stuck.
5. Remember Your Relationship Is Much More Than Your Sex Life. A healthy, lasting relationship includes emotional and spiritual intimacy.
6. Don't Forget To Say "I Love You.” Your love may be constant, but your spouse needs to hear those words often.
7. Willingly Share Everything With Your Spouse. Your tools, your cookware, your bodies, your heart. It’s no longer “yours” or “mine,” but think instead “ours.”
8. Pray Together. Not just a quick prayer before meals, but on your knees together speaking with God. Couples who do this and both want to do this not only stay married, but are the most vitalized of all couple types.
9. Forgive Each Other As God Has Forgiven You—With Grace. Who among us does not need to be forgiven?
10. Honor And Enjoy The Lord Every Day Of Your Life Individually And Together. It is our highest and most holy calling.

Thoughts on Marriage

A few years ago, a young couple came into the church office. The woman gushed over the beautiful sanctuary and how perfect it was going to be for her wedding. The groom-to-be was silent. She was, shall we say, the verbal center of the emerging family. I had never met them until that moment. They were not members of the church I served. In the computer world when all of the information from one computer is transferred all at once to another computer it is called a core dump. I got a core dump of every thought she ever had about her wedding.

When at last she took a breath I said, "Let's back up. Who are you?" After another five minutes of monologue about her family and roots, she returned to the subject of her wedding and why she had chosen our church to have the honor of hosting her wedding.

I had finally had enough. Words came out of me next that surprised me. "I want to tell you something and I want you to hear me clearly. I don't care about your wedding." I delivered the line well and let it hang out in space for a moment. For the first time, the chatty bride-to-be was silent. Stunned was more like it. She had the "You're a pastor and you're not allowed to say that" look on her face. With enough of a pause for effect, I continued, "Your wedding will be beautiful and IF it is here and IF I officiate, it will be Christ-centered. I'm not worried about your wedding. In that sense I don't care about your wedding. I care about your marriage." Compared to living with another person "until death do you part," planning a wedding is easy.

This month, my wife, Cile, and I have been married 25 years. It seems like yesterday we were married. Now, three children, seven pets, one career change, eight moves and three home purchases later, I can say I'm proud of this milestone. Few make it this far. Even fewer make it this far and still like each other. We've done both.

We've been pondering what kept us going these 25 years for several months. Usually with words like, "I don't know why I stuck with you," followed by a groan or a "you know you love me...jerk." Feel the love.

Marriage counselors have written at length about what it takes to have a healthy, long-term marriage. They deal with the patterns and emotional issues in marriage. I particularly like the very secular John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Gottman knows what makes relationships work. I've learned a thing or two in my years as pastor and a husband.

I attribute our success to one thing: we both recognize that above all marriage is a relationship designed to reflect the divine relationship. We didn't understand that right away, but finally, after 25 years, we understand it well.

When Jesus reaffirmed the "one flesh" concept given at the beginning of all things as the priority for marriage, he was saying marriage is about two people living in relationship as God exists in relationship. The two reflect the unity of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Separate and yet one. Mutually affirming, other-focused, indwelling each other's being. Cile and I have failed miserably at this "one flesh" at times, but somehow we always found the strength to come at it again another day. Over time, it has only improved.

Another image of marriage reflecting the divine relationship is that marriage is to reflect the love Christ has for the church. Christ loved the people who make up the sacred assembly called the church that he gave his very life that she might be born and then flourish. Marriage is to reflect that full devotion and sacrificial love for the other that Christ has for the church.

The fact is that a wedding is one day and often one of fantasy play for most couples. Marriage is where real life happens. The marriage is ground zero for what God most wants--two people who love each other with the exceptional selflessness found in the Godhead. Or two people full of devotion and sacrficing love for the other. Marriage is a man and woman in a lifetime relationship that bears a remarkable resemblance to God's own eternal, relational existence.